Why Communication Isn’t the Problem—It’s What You’re Avoiding
When couples come into therapy, one of the most common things they say is, “We just need to work on our communication.” And while it’s true that healthy communication is essential in any relationship, “communication issues” are rarely the core problem. More often, what’s being labeled as a communication problem is actually a pattern of avoidance—avoidance of vulnerability, avoidance of conflict, and sometimes, avoidance of deeper emotional wounds that predate the relationship itself.
Communication Is the Symptom, Not the Root
Think of communication as the surface-level behavior that reveals what’s happening underneath. When couples report misunderstandings, frequent arguments, or emotional disconnection, it’s tempting to chalk it up to “bad communication.” But the truth is, most people can communicate. They talk to coworkers, friends, and strangers just fine. What gets difficult is being emotionally honest and open when the stakes are high.
The real issue is what’s not being said. Couples avoid naming their fears, asking for what they truly need, or addressing resentment that’s been building for years. The words might be coming out, but the heart of the matter is being tiptoed around.
Vulnerability: The Missing Piece
Let’s get real — vulnerability is scary. It means lowering the walls, showing your raw spots, and risking rejection. But it’s also the key to intimacy. Many couples avoid vulnerability because they don’t want to appear needy, weak, or too much. Instead, they dance around real emotions with sarcasm, passive-aggressive comments, or logistical check-ins about schedules and to-do lists. The connection starts to feel more like co-managing a household than being in a romantic partnership.
When one or both partners are afraid to be emotionally vulnerable, communication becomes either surface-level or defensive. You might be “talking,” but you’re not connecting.
Conflict Isn’t the Enemy
Many couples also fear conflict. Maybe they grew up in households where fighting meant danger, or they’ve had past relationships where conflict spiraled out of control. So now, they go quiet. They keep the peace. They avoid bringing things up until resentment boils over or shuts everything down.
Avoiding conflict doesn’t preserve love—it starves it. It creates emotional distance and fosters assumptions. When partners don’t feel safe to express frustration or disagreement, they start to retreat from each other. Conflict, when handled well, can actually deepen trust. It’s not about fighting more—it’s about learning to engage with honesty, repair, and respect.
Emotional Wounds Don’t Just Disappear
Sometimes what couples are avoiding runs even deeper—old wounds, unhealed trauma, attachment fears. These past experiences can shape how we show up in our relationships. If a partner is triggered but doesn’t have the tools or language to explain what’s happening, it often looks like “poor communication.” But really, it’s an emotional landmine.
This is where therapy can make a huge difference. When we understand each other’s histories, the “why” behind the reactions, we can start to move from reactivity to compassion. Healing isn’t about perfect communication—it’s about emotional safety.
So, What Is the Work?
If you and your partner feel like you’re having communication issues, ask yourselves:
- What are we not talking about?
- What emotions are hard for us to express?
- What do I fear might happen if I’m completely honest?
- What do I need from my partner that I haven’t asked for?
The work is about getting underneath the communication patterns and tending to the fears, hurts, and needs that are driving them. It’s about learning to sit with discomfort instead of avoiding it. It’s about practicing brave vulnerability, even when it feels unfamiliar or scary.
Bottom line: Communication isn’t the problem. It’s the symptom of something deeper—something that deserves your attention and care. When couples stop avoiding and start showing up more authentically, communication naturally begins to heal itself.
Want help digging deeper with your partner? Therapy can provide a safe space to unpack what’s really going on beneath the surface. You’re not broken—you’re just human, and there’s a path forward.
