The Power of Seeing the Best in Your Partner—Even on the Hard Days
Relationships are built in the everyday moments—the quiet dinners, shared laughter, miscommunications, and even the hard conversations. But one of the most overlooked ways to strengthen a relationship is choosing to see the best in your partner, especially when things feel frustrating, distant, or challenging.
Why It’s Hard (But Necessary)
When you’re overwhelmed, tired, or triggered, it’s easy to focus on what your partner is doing wrong. Our brains are wired to scan for threats, which means when emotions run high, we might default to criticism or defensiveness. Over time, this creates emotional distance and reinforces negative narratives.
But when couples learn to pause and intentionally search for the good—kindness, effort, humor, loyalty—it creates an entirely different dynamic. One that fosters safety, emotional intimacy, and mutual respect.
What “Seeing the Best” Really Means
Let’s be clear: this isn’t about ignoring red flags or tolerating poor treatment. This is about balance. In trauma-informed couples therapy, we talk often about how our nervous systems impact the stories we tell about our partner. If you’re dysregulated, you’re more likely to misinterpret neutral behavior as hostile or careless.
Choosing to see the best means:
The Research Supports It
John Gottman’s research found that successful couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. This doesn’t mean pretending everything is great—it means consistently choosing connection, appreciation, and affection, even amidst conflict.
Similarly, trauma-informed approaches encourage partners to notice when they’re being reactive due to past wounds rather than present realities. When we slow down and look for the good, we shift our nervous system from a defensive state to a connected one.
Simple Ways to Practice Seeing the Best in Your Partner
Sometimes the smallest shifts in perspective create the biggest changes in your relationship. Here are a few simple, intentional ways to begin seeing the best in your partner—even when it’s not easy:
1. Reflect on Why You Chose Each Other
When you’re frustrated, take a moment to pause and remember what first drew you to your partner. What qualities did you admire? What moments made you feel loved? Reconnecting with those early memories can help soften defenses and reignite appreciation.
2. Verbalize Appreciation Often
Don’t underestimate the power of a kind word. A simple “thank you for making dinner” or “I really admire how hard you work” goes a long way. Regularly naming the things you value helps balance out the natural tension that arises in any long-term relationship.
3. Assume Positive Intent
It’s easy to jump to conclusions when a comment feels sharp or a need goes unmet. But asking yourself, “What else could be true?” opens space for empathy. Could your partner be stressed? Distracted? Trying but not quite hitting the mark? This mindset diffuses blame and invites understanding.
4. Stay Curious, Not Critical
If something feels off, try leading with curiosity instead of criticism. “Hey, you seemed distant earlier—everything okay?” invites connection. “You never listen to me!” shuts it down. Curiosity fosters closeness, while criticism creates distance.
5. Name the Good Out Loud
Catch them doing something right—no matter how small. Did they take out the trash, show up on time, or remember something important to you? Name it. Positive reinforcement builds a culture of gratitude and emotional safety.
For Couples Navigating Trauma or Emotional Wounds
If you or your partner carry unresolved trauma, this practice may not come easily—and that’s okay. Trauma often trains our nervous systems to stay on alert, scanning for danger or signs of rejection. In these cases, seeing the best in your partner can feel unsafe, or even impossible.
That’s where trauma-informed therapy comes in. At KDM Counseling Group, we help couples learn how to:
You can both be healing and still find ways to connect.
Final Thoughts
Seeing the best in your partner isn’t about ignoring flaws or pretending everything is fine. It’s about choosing a lens that centers love, resilience, and the belief that your relationship is worth the effort. Especially on the hard days.
Because love isn’t about perfection—it’s about choosing each other, over and over again, with grace.
Ready to strengthen your connection?
Our couples therapists at KDM Counseling Group are here to support you. Whether you’re navigating conflict, rebuilding after betrayal, or simply want to feel close again—we can help.
📍 Serving couples in St. Petersburg, FL and virtually across Florida
📞 Schedule your session today
